What’s next? Subjectivity in movie reviews?
It’s Oscar season, and you know what that means! Everyone is mad online about gold trophies that don’t matter instead of the usual film-related topics that don’t matter. This year, the critically-acclaimed movie that might win awards based on predictors that, let’s face it, don’t usually matter is Everything Everywhere All At Once, and whoa golly are some folks in their feelings about that mere possibility.
And by some folks I of course mean just a few random people. There’s that one lad who yelled at his own wall over Parasite winning Best Picture, which I assume he never meant for that to be seen by more than a fraction of his subscribers. Then there’s, well, Erick. Who apparently is still upset that people like EEAAO, even though he claimed almost a year ago that they secretly didn’t.
No, seriously:
Remember, nothing says “I have little to contribute to film discourse” more than rhetorically asking “why does everyone like this movie TOO MUCH?!”
So, yes, we’re taking an unfortunately close look at a clip of self-proclaimed Oscar Guru Erick Weber, who is indeed a film critic. Though he is allegedly the sort of critic who, once the movie ends, quickly scans the crowd in a panic and then hastily checks Twitter to find out what Sasha Stone thinks before processing his take. I’m guessing.
On his live show, Weber proclaims via chyron:
EEAO Is Winning Best Picture UGHHHHH
Coincidentally, I have a similar reaction whenever I Weber tweeting.
We’re pretending at this point that Everything Everywhere is, by far, the best film of 2022.
Yes, I too hate it when people pretend, which is why I love movies and the art of acting.
But all right, seriously, Weber’s main point here is that people don’t really like EEAO as much as they say they do. Bold accusation! I’m assuming the evidence boils down to something besides vibes.
It’s not a contest.
Let him cook.
When it sweeps everything, you’re telling me that it is head and shoulders superior to every other film out in 2022.
Well sure, to some people. And I’m assuming there are plenty of voters who consider it superior in some categories, but not all of them. But let’s remember, this is a ceremony where winners are determined by a plurality of opinions across a wide spectrum of industry talent overlapping in ways we’ll never get firm data on, never mind the fact that a lot of people will choose this movie to win in a category where they might’ve preferred multiple other movies that weren’t even nominated.
You know, like how awards voting usually works. I’m sure Oscar Guru Erick Weber understands this.
Here’s the major malfunction with that.
With EEAAO being better than other movies according to a bunch of people we don’t know?
It is not.
Oh, OK, well that’s fine. After all, it’s just your opini—
It is objectively not.
Wait, what.
Something tells me his evidence for this is…subjective.
There are too many great films in 2022 to make Everything Everywhere the sweep of the century and have it winning virtually everything it’s nominated for.
I mean the Oscars haven’t even happened yet, so we don’t even know if the movie will do that well. But sure, let’s say it does win a lot of awards. Why is that bad? Critics loved it. People in the industry loved it. Even general audiences loved it, and we can’t trust them with anything. Yet.
No chance.
Oh. Bummer.
You have TÁR sitting there, you have Maverick.
Quick question. If TÁR or Top Gun: Maverick ended up being the “sweep of the century,” would Weber be less upset? Obviously not, which is odd because many other people would disagree with it, which he should “objectively” find objectionable.
And as someone who liked TÁR more than EEAAO (both movies are in my Top 10 to be clear), I do have to ask the simple question: Who actually cares?
You have Women Talking.
OK, now you’ve gone too far.
You have some really strong films that I love.
Oh, well then that changes everything! But only if you can name one more film sort of halfheartedly.
Elvis.
Whoa. Check and mate.
You do not give everything to Everything Everywhere All at Once.
Why not? Because it’s the only movie of all the ones you just mentioned off the cuff with people of color in the main cast? Or is it really just the hot dog fingers thing? It’s gotta be either racism or the hot dog fingers, I suppose.
Either way, I disagree. The voters certainly can give everything to EEAAO.
You can’t.
Please don’t cry.
Because it’s not head and shoulders, vastly superior, to every other film that was released in 2022. It isn’t. OK?
Again, this reasoning or assertion or whatever it is only starts to make sense if you think the Oscars ceremony is a consistent barometer for the best movies of the year, which it quite rarely ever is. The Best Picture winner has never been my favorite movie of that year, and my response has never been to jump on a livestream and think my dramatically paused words will reach the ever-elusive Oscar voters. Instead I move on into the good part of the year, when people talk about the Oscars slightly less.
It is not The Social Network.
Finally, he says something true! It is indeed a different movie.
Which, by the way, did not sweep everything, we know that. Did not win Best Picture.
That must be why you don’t have it framed on your wall like you do EEAAO. You know, unless it is sitting right there, along with all your friends, laughing just out of frame.
You’re going to tell me that Everything Everywhere is superior to The Social Network?
Sure. Seems like a fun thing to do considering your weird reaction to basic opinions.
If you do, we need to get you checked in a psych ward.
True, but not for that reason.
That’s the first thing. We need to get your head examined.
OK, so since medical attention has been invoked, I think I have room here to make a diagnosis. Sit right here, Weber. All right, I have your chart and it’s not pretty. Turns out you have a case of CantAdmitYouWereWrongAboutAMovie-itis. Surprisingly enough, it’s extremely common, especially when it comes to A24 movies. Even I’ve fallen prey to its symptoms! There’s no cure, but there is a rigorous treatment.
You can start by looking in the mirror and recalling what projection means. No, not film projection, the other kind. Next, let’s zoom in on the possibility that you’ve been basing your career and reputation on making attention-getting predictions, like that everyone secretly agrees with you about a movie being bad or overrated or something. Possibly because your ego is the size of a multiverse.
Everything Everywhere All at Once (and, uh, Elvis) will be featured at this year’s Oscars on March 13.
Featured image courtesy of A24.
