Fire Emblem games have a lot of characters. No, seriously, we had to check the list several times when we thought we were done. Given that it may be daunting to get used to such a massive cast of characters, we wanted to get to know them a little bit. Not by researching, however, heavens no. We’re making this up as we go. This is a list where we prejudge these characters by their appearances alone. If you think that’s mean, I promise you, they’re mostly going to die anyway, and that’s not a spoiler! That’s just how Fire Emblem rolls. Buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one, and it’s not even the only RPG coming out this week.
Like any other Fire Emblem protagonist, they’re full of ancient superpowers which means they’ve been asleep for so many years they have permanent bed hair. For Alear, they also decided their brand was to duplicate the aesthetic of Pepsi Man. Genuinely, it feels like Sora Kingdom Hearts was the fashion designer for these two and decided “Yknow what’d be funny? Give them Shoto Todoroki hair so people know they’re cool.” and then proceed to also give them clown shoes.
She’s definitely a big sleepy mommy and a big fan of the Celeste Sleepytime Bear. The xanax she usually takes would work if she didn’t have to wear a gold plated crown and also a back brace.
Holy Land of Lythos Characters
He’s a respected member of the holy guard, which means he’s never putting on that helmet. You just know that he spends his mornings perfectly styling his hair. If the job title didn’t give it away, the suspenders should tell you he’s a total narc.
If only there were a school of magic casting people that Clanne could go to because he would fit in there, except for the fact that he’s far too precious to get along with the snake nazis. He also would likely be poked fun at for his Phantom Menace hair braid, but it’s okay because he has a jar of winds to defend himself.
Can’t believe it. She ordered her pair of gauntlets from Bass Pro Shops and continues to wear them despite the fact they’re too big. This is because she’s stubborn and didn’t want to go through the return process since shipping to the realm of dragons is a bitch.
Kingdom of Firene Characters
He’s got Fred in his name, and he wears an ascot. You can’t deny that Intelligent Systems was referencing the new “hit” series on HBO MAX, Velma, with this character. He likes to look a little more hardcore by wearing chains on the outside of his nobleman’s jacket, which he got from the Alice In Chains webstore. It’s a very rare item, so don’t delete it!
After a long day of chopping wood, Boucheron likes to spend his evenings sitting with a cold one and a smoker, pressuring all his friends to hang around for hours and wait until his specialty meats have finished resting to have alongside nothing but white bread like a true barbeque master would do: make his friends suffer for his art.
What’re you gonna do? She’s a picky eater who leans far too often on the eternal Dragon Nuggets. This upsets Boucheron greatly, and they have a very contentious relationship because of his cooking. If you give her a juice box, it will max out her stats for a good chunk of the game.
This one tried to cosplay Lucy from Fairy Tale and then took a crown from Burger King and called it a day, idk. Someone got her to watch My Dress Up Darling and she got super inspired. The only person who knows anything about stitching is Louis, but he’s a novice at best. He couldn’t resist the attention and maybe led her on to think that she was better at this then she really is.
Poor Louis got Celine into cosplay but is far too polite to tell her she’s awful at it. He likes to smile and nod as long as it makes everyone feel good about themselves. He is internally screaming because he does not want to be here.
Definitely the cop that would pull you over and make you feel stupid in front of your friends for forgetting your license at home. She’s a very polite reminder of the religious police state you reside within, but, like, look at her, what are you gonna do about it anyway? Go home and take a cold shower.
Kingdom of Brodia Characters
Just a devastatingly boring person. He’s barely played any video games outside of Call of Duty Warzone and the copy of Destiny his playstation came in. He also doesn’t wash his cape and furs nearly enough. Imagine what his room looks like.
What a clown. A clown I say.
She thought the armor class would be cool, but everyone told her she made a big mistake by not choosing to be a wretch in a diaper. Now her mobility is just ruined. There’s no helping her without restarting your save file and choosing one Bioware style dialogue option.
Local softboy was too afraid to shoot his arrows because he stabbed himself in the foot once and needed a ride to the hospital. Instead of being supportive his friends just kept making Skyrim jokes the whole time he was in the ER.
This poor girl’s got half of her armor stolen and the only thing protecting her entire waist from being annihilated is a torso stocking and pure luck.
In anticipation for a Great Gatsby themed work party, Citrine went all out shopping at Chicos, and then they canceled it. She’s gonna make good use of these straps and hair clips if it kills her. At least she’ll look like she died trying to sneak into the Met Gala’s wine cellar.
Kingdom of Elusia Characters
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The Oreo mask helps her serotonin intake and she would prefer you don’t judge her for her choice in eyewear.
Unfortunately, he didn’t get the memo we were doing a Fire Emblem game and came prepared to play a member of Organization XIII.
Oh no, she’s so hot that everyone loves her already. Before she gets too influential, quick, get her to commit some war crimes!
Prepare yourself because Hortensia is a self-admitted nightmare person. She loves to hustle a good sales pitch any chance she gets. She can ensnare even the judges on Shark Tank with her MLM marketing schemes.
Easily distracted, which is frustrating because she’s supposed to be flying on watch and guarding people’s bodies. Despite this, she’s able to have the patience for watching all of Game of Thrones and The Office multiple times in the common area. Everyone hates it.
A closeted party animal. She can’t wait for the return of the Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell.
Kingdom of Solm Characters
Her music tastes are so obscure and erratic that no one’s really sure if she’s being ironic about any of it.
Listen, he’s not going to tell you you’re wrong, he’s just going to judge you with cold stares if you say your favorite Pokemon are any of the original 151. If you say Charmander, he won’t even feign to respect you.
His favorite anime is Attack on Titan. No, he’s not interested in what other shows you want him to watch.
An OG Mall Goth, she never faltered in her firm belief that Nightmare Before Christmas and Death Note are masterpieces. She will ask you if you want to see her Wednesday dance. If you wish to live, you will say yes.
He didn’t just wake up. He is in front of the mirror for hours each morning styling his hair like this. His bangs are like that on purpose. Go ahead, ask him about it.
Once he has you alone, he’s prepared to sit you down and watch the entire latest season of the Great British Bake Off and whilst you do so give you background on why the SkyTV version with Mary Berry was far superior.
A revolutionary of the Free Britney campaign. Seadall also eats gluten free, but it’s not an allergy, just personal preference.
She’s in it for the love of the game, and the game is violence. She seeks a simple life of beating the shit out of people at the local bar and having an ice cold hard cider.
An attempt at being a social media influencer didn’t quite work out for Yunaka, but the only post of hers to ever blow up was for a K Pop group. She rebranded her social media to be exclusively a stan account for the band, but it’s since fallen off and now she’s left wondering if she should just scrap it and start over with Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE content.
She can’t wait to tell you about her living dex in Pokemon and show off the AI art that “she made.” Absolutely also a crypto bro.
Oh Sweet Lord There’s More?
This man just barreled through Jijitsu Kaisen and used it to download a new cool guy personality, and no one get’s his new bit now.
He aspires to be turtley enough for the Turtle Club.
Wait, this isn’t one of the returning characters? I swear she’s been in one of these before. She wasn’t in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, I know that much.
This is just the girl from Twilight Princess. You remember the bug fetch quests? You can’t hide from us beetle girl, where are you hiding the Zelda games on switch??
Featured Image Credit: Nintendo & Intelligent Systems