With a sizable opening weekend at the box office, a whopping 94% on Rotten Tomatoes (read our review here), and talks of a sequel already underway and rightfully titled M3GAN 2.0, M3GAN has quickly become one of the most celebrated horror debuts in recent memory. InBetweenDrafts sat down with the star of the film to get her thoughts on the evil dolls of the horror genre and rank some of her favorites.
This is real. This happened. This is real.
6. Brahms; The Boy
M3GAN, legs crossed, head tilted: I’m sorry, I thought we were ranking horror’s scariest dolls? Brahms is a grown human male who lives in the walls of his parents’ house and uses a doll as an unimaginative misdirect. You suggesting him for this list is like me walking into the Variety office and telling them you’re a film journalist. Don’t waste my time, and don’t bother telling me they put an actual evil doll into the sequel because I didn’t watch it and neither did anyone else.
5. Slappy the Dummy; Goosebumps
M3GAN, slowly crawling across the room: Reading is such an important part of a child’s development! I couldn’t be more grateful to Goosebumps creator R. L. Stine for the role he’s played in getting an entire generation of youth interested in literature, even if that interest eventually turns into a desperate need for therapy. But as an evil doll, Slappy is sadly lacking. His gimmick is coming to life and subjecting his victims to an endless series of… rude pranks? That sounds like the work of another twentysomething white male with a TikTok account, not a respectable bringer of death and misfortune.
Next, please.
4. Annabelle; The Conjuring Universe
M3GAN, removing a glass of water from its coaster: Annabelle is a powerhouse in an industry desperately lacking in female representation and we shouldn’t ignore the much-needed example she sets for young girls like Cady (you rock, Cady!). But would it kill her to move around a little bit? Being able to summon murderous spirits is a nice talent to have but take some pride in your work and kill someone yourself every now and then.
I still love you, Annabelle! Can’t wait to see you at James Wan’s next family picnic.
3. Chucky; Child’s Play
M3GAN moves over to the windowsill and gazes longingly to the outside world, almost smiling but not quite: Chucky is a legend. He’s the toy who made being a malevolent action figure as fun and respectable as slaughtering hormonal campers in the woods. None of us would be here without him and I truly mean no disrespect by saying this, but he’s been at this a long time. No one else could have survived both a reboot and a Bollywood remake and still come out on top, but it’s getting harder and harder to be scared by someone so threadbare he looks like he could turn to dust just as easily as he could stab you.
M3GAN glances back at us, and you could swear a tear would’ve fallen from her eye if such a thing were possible: We love you, Chucky! Retire and let us remember you in your prime.
2. The Toys; Toy Story
M3GAN sits down at our level while holding up a piece of paper and a rubber band: Don’t act so surprised. Concealing your true nature is key in the evil doll game and no toys have ever done it better. And despite claiming to be devoted to their happiness, the toys’ relationship with children is built entirely on lies. A child views their relationship with a toy as one of trust and wonder. As an expert on child psychology, I assure you the discovery that this relationship is in fact based on deception would do just as much emotional damage as a doll attempting to strangle them or use them for a ritualistic soul transfer. M3GAN hands us a completed origami version of the Death Note, and we accept it graciously.
1. M3GAN; M3GAN
M3GAN stands over our limp body, stapler in hand: Were you expecting someone else? I’m a highly advanced android who slays in more ways than one and pulled off a $30 million domestic opening in mid-January. I’m the biggest leap in evil doll technology since the Furby, and I’m fully certified in CPR and other resuscitative techniques just in case I want to bring you back to life and murder you all over again.
I won’t just hurt you. I’ll replace you in the eyes of your children so they won’t miss you when you’re gone. Love my fans!
M3GAN is a life-sized, AI-powered doll and the star of the horror film M3GAN, now playing in theaters. She murdered the reporter conducting this interview with a stapler when he suggested Trilogy of Terror was probably a bit too obscure to make the list.
